in memoriam

sue's father passed away last friday, july 7, 2006.

i received sue's and lai's text messages at half past 8 yet i didn't answer them right away. i headed straight to the bathroom to shower and tried to blot the bad news in my mind with empty thoughts. my reaction is what one would call being stunned. when you're stunned, you don't know what to do except to carry on with your routine. you are in denial.

i was in denial. but after showering, i had to read the text messages once again. i let it sink because, of course, sue and lai wouldn't joke about it. the reply i gave to sue was one in the likes of "i don't know what to say". it's true. i didn't know what to say. i've had this belief that uttered condolences don't really console people.

that day dragged on painfully. i was saddened by the loss of tito. it brought back memories of me going to their house in palanan. i always had nice chats with tito and tita. one time, tito even gave me a fortune plant. later i found out from sue that tito rarely gives his plants to others. if i remember it correctly, sue said that he didn't even give to some of those who asked for his fortune plants. i, probably, became a favorite of his. recalling that when he was still alive made me smile. but recalling that now that he's gone makes me sad.

i went home to grieve with the family. i battled with my dread of asking permission from my boss for a two-day absence knowing that my project was in tight schedule. my boss replied with a phrase "if it's really necessary" tucked amongst the words in his text message. there was no point pondering as to my answer to that because i was intent on going home to my second family. those words, though, hit me with a sad realization; that sometimes people forget the importance of being with the people they love even at the last moment in favor of something mundane such as work. it saddened me all the more because i am most of the time guitly of this. thus, my stronger resolve to go home and be with sue and her family.

consoling and comforting the people you care for is very hard. all i could do was be there and pray that somehow the family will be okay afterwards; that they'll realize that tito is in a state of happiness, free from pain and worries.

on tuesday, july 11, 2006, tito was cremated. almost everyone cried except for the children who still probably didn't understand death (who did in the first place?) and me who was afraid of showing his emotions. i was teary-eyed, yes, seeing the immediate family, tita, sue, sarj, kiko, and bob, looking at tito for the last time. seeing them cry, i knew the reasons why. they would miss tito; that's foremost. they cry remembering things they did with tito. and they cry over things which they never did with him.

looking at all the people who grieved with the family, i realized that everyone really feels the pain. for one, we were there because we cared for these people. caring means feeling the other's emotions including, and most of all, pain. everyone, either crying or teary eyed, is shedding tears for tito, for the family, for their own families, and for their own selves.

death changes us. it makes us think of could-have-beens and what-ifs in our own lives. it makes us think of our relationships. it makes us think of our dreams. our failures. our hopes. our fears. but, most of all, it makes us think of the same fate that awaits us all. death itself.

on my way back to singapore aboard the plane, i cried while eating my cup noodles. i just felt sad at the loss of tito. i felt sad for sue and her family. i felt sad for not having been in touch with my own family. i felt sad for someone i've come to care for in the past couple of months whom i failed to comfort in his most trying time. i simply felt sad. i learned to cry again after years of holding back tears.

tito's leaving, though painful, should be an inspiration, i told myself and to sue. it should inspire us to do things which are more worthwhile while we are still living among our loved ones. this is, for me, tito's legacy to me. i've never been so touched by someone's passing away than tito's leaving.

i know tito is happy wherever he is. i am experiencing one of life's ironies. i feel sad to have lost him but at the same time, i feel that i should be happy because he's already free.

to tito edilberto bertol, you were one of the best things that happened to your family and to me.