cycle

and another one of my posts before... February 27, 2004... grabeh! mushy mushy talaga ako nun dun sa ex ko! the good thing with keeping one's old mushy writes, you'll have something to laugh at because you've totally moved on! i remember the boy na lang but i don't remember the feeling anymore! :p

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15 minutes to go and it'll be february 28. it'll be a year since that night he kissed and held me. they weren't kisses and hugs borne out of love though, on that night, for we were mere acquaintances who happened to answer the call of mundane desires unraveled that night by a few tequila shots for him and a couple of cocktail drinks for me.

i remember him telling me to text him after that shortlived making out. we didn't go farther than below our chests. i guess the drinks we had weren't able to totally eradicate our inhibitions. what followed were a series of text messages composed in different styles to lure him to meeting me again. well, we met again only on march 3. and that became "our date".

but barely 2 months passed, we just broke away. relaying what happened is more painful than when it actually happened.

yet all this time after that, i'm still here, probing around possibilities and getting burned all over again. this seems confusing yet, i, too, am confused. in between that bitter break away and now, i had had my alternate coldness and pleadings towards him. and just recently i just came to a conclusion that i do love him right after my previous conclusion that it was only lust. funny, i even made a poem of this "love" i just realized.

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"do i love you?"

if love were measured by the times a heartbeat skips

or by the number of flame-like sparks that emanate from the eyes

or by a plethora of dreams built by the lover for him and his beloved

or by the longing, both quenched and unquenched, to touch and kiss

then had i loved you in as many as droplets of water from a cupping hand

then had i loved you in the ways the world has defined love

yet time promises nothing for these ways to stay

i no longer feel you close in my waking and sleeping moments

you're no more than a memory in the realm of my dreams

there is no longer a thirst for an embrace or a kiss to quench

and so have i stopped loving you as how fire dies when doused with water

and so have i lost my love for you as how the world views it

but there are these that hold me --

when i look at you, it is like seeing the part of the ocean that's blue

meeting with that part of the sky of the same hue

and i am like the wind that touches the blueness of both sea and sky --

an infinite lightness delivers to my core a sense of happiness

when i remember you, it is like rummaging through a trove of pictures

that captured glorious sceneries of the azure skies and oceans

of the mountains and clouds that cannot hide the grandeur of a setting sun --

mementos safely kept yet out in the open for me to behold

while the world sees a love that explodes with mixed emotions

i feel an implosion of bliss knowing you are where you've never been to

you have entered past the boundaries of my ego and being

rendering me helpless to the joy of... simply loving

requited or not, it knows no pain, requires no togetherness

until life defines love differently, right now, i say that i do love you

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but i'm only kidding myself! no matter how i describe an implosion of bliss within just because of the mere sight of him, i still feel hollowed, dissatisfied and depressed! stupid me! pathetic!

yet i do not want to go on feeling this way. even though i've allowed myself to call myself stupid and pathetic at this time, i'll try hard to really move on! i'll allow myself to wallow this time for me to shed off everything about him! and i'm writing it here where anyone can read this for me to be reminded that this is a promise long overdue to myself. at least this time, i'll have more witnesses than a meager number of friends who became tired of listening to my cyclic feelings!